Brother M

1989
Bro M was 16 going 17, tall, thin and lanky with short straight hair, though sometimes I could see some curls. He just started a liking in grooming himself, taking more time in front of the mirror and 'preening' more often than before. Of late, he had been jovial and smiling a lot. I can still remember his smile on that sunny day. He was walking home from school and I was on the way to the shop nearby. When he saw me he flashed that smile, but said nothing. I found it a bit weird, putting me in a dejavu, like I'd seen that smile before, except it was not from him. M just entered first school term for that year. He was in form 5, his very important year. I was waiting for my SPM results and he was bracing for his SPM. I always considered M as smart and above average. I think, if things went by the plans, he could have been even smarter than Bro MZ.

Early 1980s-1989
In primary school when I was in standard 6 and he standard 5, he was already a co-student head, together with another standard 6 pupil. Most of the time, he led the school assembly. I still remember looking at him standing straight in front of the pupils... Small and thin. I don't remember feeling proud or anything, because (based on ujian penilaian darjah lima) he was the smartest and it was natural for him to be given the 'job'.
For secondary education, M went to one of the best boarding schools in Terengganu. A science school. He made our parents proud. However, soon after that we didn't see each other much as I was studying in a different boarding school in town. Not the best one, of course! I was just an average student. When I went home on weekends, most of time, he didn't, or vice versa. But Mother and Father sometimes visited him at his hostel. He was doing well, they said... at the beginning at least. After that, things started to change. He hardly came home. There was one time when we didn't hear anything from him for about two months. When we asked the school, they said they had no idea because he also didn't attend classes. I don't know what was the actual problem. But it seemed he'd got himself around the wrong types of friends. He probably had a 'freedom shock' as well as prior to that he was never away from us.
One time, he and his group, we understood, had got into a fight with another group, which prompted M to go MIA. Nothing was confirmed though. M didn't talk much about it. He however did come back to school, just in time for SRP. When we visited him before the exam, he told us he was just staying nearby the school, at a surau. He looked messy and very thin, I almost cried. His pants had a hole in the thigh. Mother cried of course, looking at the state he was in.
After SRP, he came home. I could see he didn't hope much. But when the results were announced, he still look dissapointed. Although he passed with not too bad results, compared to other kids in our kampung, he didn't qualify to continue studying at the same school. Probably, it finally dawned on him that he was not to see his friends anymore. He looked sad, very sad indeed. And I think I saw regrets too.

M was transfered to a school not too far from our kampung, not a bad school. But there was transportation problem. There was no school bus to the school and he had to take the normal bus. He was late almost everyday. And probably for that reason, and others that we don't know, even now, he was transferred to another school which was probably nearer to our place. Even Father and Mother didn't know about that until after a few months.

So that December 1989, he entered his first school term in Form 5. December was in monsoon season. It was raining everyday. I was 'vacationing' at home after SPM. M and I were closed, being only one year apart. We talked a lot and spent time together a lot. He was sure I would get first grade. And he asked for my old school books to study because he also wanted to score first grade, so he said. One fine day, he piled the books from the rack onto the floor in my room, saying he would take them later. I was glad he at least intended to do well in SPM.

December 1989
First week at a new school. M looked okay. Because there was no science stream class at the school, he now had to start studying literature. Everybody was in art stream class. He had no complain, he was just doing fine, I guess. He also started showing some interest in girls, keeping some photos of sexy pretty girls he'd goten from magazines and of some of my juniors from my picture collection. It was a normal transition. I was happy that he looked contented, although sometimes I noticed hints of sadness, there in his eyes and expression. He seemed to sometimes freeze with time, losing in his own thoughts. Because of that, many memorable and unforgettable things had happened.

One not-raining day, after he got home in his first/second week of school, he put on a towel and went to one of our aunts' house nearby and brought back few 'ice cream Malaysia'. While offering one to me, he started eating his. I couldn't remember the colour of his ice cream. Was it red or green, or orange? But after a while, he looked at me, a few coins in his hand, and suddenly said, 'oh, lupa nak bayar'. He gave me a broad grin and started running back to Aunt's house.

Another day during the second week after school, he was at Grandma's house with me, chatting, mostly about girls and becoming rich. He said if he was rich, he would build a big house surrounded with water, like one house he saw in the nearby kampung, and of course there would be a pretty wife and us living with him in the house.
He also cracked a few of jokes, one that still remains vividly in my head was about death. It sounded improper, but it was, well, funny. It went like this ... Somebody just died and been buried. So the Malaikat came and began the question and answer session. Malaikat asked, "Ma rabbuka (who's your God)". The dead person then answered, "Sudah gaharu cendana pula, sudah tau bertanya pula"....!!! Before he went back to Mother's house next door that night, he gave me this 'advice', "tak usah buka lampu lah masa tidor ... nanti bila dah mati, dalam kubur tak ada lampu pun". Well, that was because, I slept with the light on. I was afraid of darkness and to this day, still are, although only sometimes.

Around this time also (at least in December) he managed to convince me to have the shortest hair cut I'd ever had as at that time. And of course, he did the cutting himself, much to the disproval of Grandpa who said girls shouldn't have hair cuts that looked like boys.
It was during one of the days of that week that he gave me that weird smile which put me in a dejavu like I had seen the smile before, perhaps in one of my dreams. And gathered the books from the rack and piled them on the floor in my room.

One night during that week I woke up to a 'screaming' sound, only to find a big green grasshopper screaming so loud on my pillow, near my ears. I was stunned and did what I thought best at the moment, covering the grasshopper with a water glass. In the morning when I checked upon it, it was already dead, out of oxygen probably.

Since the past one to two weeks, M had been good to Z, our youngest brother, who prior to that was 'his public enemy no.1". They even played soccer in the evening in front of our house together with Az, M's favorite cousin. The gate was the goal post.

On Tuesday that week, we didn't chance to talk much. M came back from school and spent time sleeping. That night when I went to Mother's house, he was already asleep although it was only 9pm. In the morning, I didn't really meet him either as I was half-asleep, only hearing his voice. He came to take his school shirt which he'd hanged at Grandma's anjung, and then proceeded to Aunt's house nearby to ask her to iron the shirt. We were one big extended family, you see ... He then proceeded his journey to school.

July 2 2008
It's M's birthday, he's 35. It has been long time ....

We plan, but Allah decides. It had been written in Luh Mahfuz that M was to be 'lent' to us for 16 years, to be our sibling, son, friend, nephew and all he was destined to. He helped colour our life, give us varieties, stories and memories. He was my best friend during childhood. Teman bermain, teman menangis, teman bergaduh, teman makan, teman berbual, teman untuk buat nakal dan teman pelbagai. When we were small, in the evening we would stand near the window in Grandma kitchen, on a 'tin biskut merry', almost everyday, waiting for Father to come home from work. We clapped when we saw him with his bicycle approaching the gate. Life was difficult but we didn't feel it, because we were just happy kids.

I've almost forgotten how close we were when we were little. Sometimes, during my lonely time when I have time to go through old stuff, I look at M's picture and feel weird that I actually had another brother, who once was very close to me, but he is not here. I feel weird because he's not here. It's like a dream that he's not here. That he passed away almost 18 years ago. That on that Wednesday, he involved in an accident. That he remained unconcious in the ICU ward until he died the following day, Thursday 21 1989. During his 'sleep', he only mentioned few times 'Mother, Mother, Mother ... I want to go home'.

But I know it was fated that way, that he dropped out his first school, to go to the second school, and then to the third school, to meet a friend there and ride a motorbike with him, only to crash in an accident near the school. How else could he have ended up at the place of the accident if his life had not been planned carefully that way. Allah Maha Mengetahui.

Yes ... it has been a long time ... 18 years. Mother still terkilan that she couldn't provide enough for him. Father hardly talks about him. I know if he does he is just like Mother. I had caught him in moments of sadness. But I pretended I didn't see. Life was difficult when we were small, like I said, and we hardly had the luxuries others might have. But we were happy. M was happy. Z and MZ were happy. We didn't miss what we'd never had.

We only miss M ...

Al-fatihah. Semoga rohmu dicucuri rahmat. Semoga Allah masih sudi mendengar doa ku yang sudah sekian lama tersasar.